I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
