Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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