Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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