your room smells of hookers.
And success
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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