i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
