I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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