I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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