You can't motorboat a personality
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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