Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
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I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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