I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
