So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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