I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
