Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
