I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
