In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's no shave November. This is our time.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
