my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
