Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
