Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
