3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
