I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just google imaged poop.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
