My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
