I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
