Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
