from now on my penis is your penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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