I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
