I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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