Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
