Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
