I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
