im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
