filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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