Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
