He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
