I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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