I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
