so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
