So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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