fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
