seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
