my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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