Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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