seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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