she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
