just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
