I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He felt like a one man threesome
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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