my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
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Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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