Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
