dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
