normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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