I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i used baking grease as lip gloss
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
