I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You brought string cheese to the strip club
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
