I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
