Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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