No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
