He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
